Nitty Picker and the Sorcerer’s Stone: Ch. 7
Ah, yes. The chapter that truly begins the epic 8 book, 7 movie tale of Harry Potter (not sure why JK Rowling felt the need to split the last book into two parts!)
Now, the first thing I want to nitpick is when Professor McGonagall teaches us about the wonderful heritage of Hogwarts: “Each House has its own noble history and each has produced outstanding witches and wizards.” Yeah. Let’s break this down.
Noble history. I understand that Gryffindor and Ravenclaw may have noble histories, but Hufflepuff? Slytherin? Really McGonagall? Since ‘noble history’ is the only history we are ever given about Hufflepuff, I’ll take your word for it. And Slytherin has a noble history? You can fool anyone who hasn’t read the series, but you want to go with that? Ok, let’s put aside our knowledge that Salazar Slytherin was Nazi in his views of magic users, every dark witch and wizard has come from Slytherin, Slytherin built a Chamber of Secrets and filled it with a basilisk that could murder every student, Voldemort and his Death Eaters come from Slytherin, and the Slytherin common room is a dungeon, then yes, Slytherin has a noble history!
Oh and get this: “any rule-breaking will lose House points.” McGonagall’s script has a little asterisk by it that says (SPOILER): unless it is the end of the book and your name happens to be Harry, Ron, Hermione, or Neville. Then rule-breaking will win the House Cup.
The ghosts are also racist. When we first meet them, they are discussing the Peeves problem. “He’s not really even a ghost.” Come on! He’s not a ghost because he isn’t exactly like the rest of you ghosts? Go join Slytherin you reich-toplasms!
And at long last, the answer you have been waiting for: What is Hufflepuff? So Gryffindors are courageous and daring, Ravenclaws are smart, and Slytherins are cunning. Hufflepuffs! You are loyal and unafraid of toil! You can expect work in the field of servitude and Igor-ship.
And by the way, I must snobbishly and angrily wave my finger at anyone who likes Harry Potter. Clearly this author copied the House idea from Divergent!
So the new students are segregated into their various factions to be indoctrinated into a class war that has been since the foundation of the school and will soon erupt once again into a deadly war.
And our first sign that clearly shows us that Dumbledore is gay: “Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!” Yep. That’s cutting edge character development for you. (Oh, what’s that you say? That announcement was completely out of the blue and just a PR move? See? It’s right here in the book.)
Oh, Nick. Nearly Headless Nick. You raise so many questions that will never be answered. Someone tried to behead you, but didn’t do it properly. I’m guessing they used some advanced Ghostbusters weapon to cut through your ghostly neck. Oh, you were part-beheaded in life and your ghost is also part-beaheaded? That doesn’t make any sense. You ghosts can go through walls, how could an axe do anything to your ghost? Also, ghosts need to breathe to “live” because Nick pops his head off, sticks it back on and coughs! Again! Coughing means your throat is irritated by foreign contamination. If ghosts go through walls, then what does Nick has stuck in his throat that requires a cough?!?!!?! And what happens to a ghost if it stops breathing?!! How does Moaning Myrtle spend hours inside the plumbing and not drown? (Sorry, that happens in the next book. We are going through this book as though we have not read it yet.)
Neville explains that his family thought he was “all-Muggle for ages”. (*Squib hasn’t been invented yet… aaand there I go again about a future book.)
Neville’s uncle pushed him off the end of a pier and he nearly drowned. Call child protection services? No? Ok. And I thought the Puritan method of discovering witches was unfounded, but it is an approved method according to this book. If he drowned he wasn’t magical and he would be pardoned, but since he didn’t drown he must be a witch!
When Neville was dropped out of a window and rolled into the road, his family was pleased. I repeat: call child protection services.
Starting small in the Wizarding world is turning a match into a needle. I must ask if a big task is turning a log into a steel beam and what the difference between the two is. It’s wood to iron. Again, JK Rowling hints that size matters!
And hang on a minute! Why do wizards need matches? They have wands that can shoot and endless stream of fire out of them. Making matches is wasteful and harmful to the environment. (Tree Huggers unite against wizards!)
Arbitrary rule #1: no magic should be used between classes in the corridors. In Muggle schools, students are forbidden from practicing math in the hallways. That stuff is dangerous.
Unsafe conditions #1: the third-floor corridor is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a very painful death. Subsequently, all first-years died painful deaths because there were no hazard signs, no safety barriers, no warning lights, no security guards, and no maps to show them where to go. Good one, Hogwarts.
Also, anyone who does wish to die a painful death is allowed to go to the third-floor corridor. Instead of seeking psychological help, Dumbledore advises you to go die. Thanks, Dumbledore.
Dumbledore admits that music is a magic beyond all they do in Hogwarts. For those who wished to join the symphonic band, marching band, or choir we strongly urge you to shut your trap, burn your sheet music, and break your instruments. We will have none of that magic in this School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And now I wonder how any pure bloods know anything about music if it is forbidden.
I almost forgot about the Pink Lady. No she’s not an apple, but she is round. She’s a living thing capable of remembering faces and holding intelligent conversations with the rest of the school, but don’t ask her to remember faces to know which students belong to her House. No, instead make up a word that most students won’t remember. If you can’t remember, expect to be left out in the cold drafty corridors of the castle all night, while the stone drains the heat from your body and the rats chew at your feet. Oh, and since you are out in the hallways past curfew, you will also get detention. Good one, Pink Lady.
Wait. This isn’t the Pink Lady.
Posted on October 20, 2015, in Book Reviews, Nit Pick Corner and tagged Fantasy, Fantasy Book Review, Harry Potter, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, JK Rowling, nit picks. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.