Monthly Archives: October 2016

Nitty Picker and the Sorcerer’s Stone Ch. 11

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It’s been way too long since I’ve last updated. If this has upset your homeostasis in any way, then I apologize. You get enough imbalance from everyone else in your life.

 

Let’s start things off with the sport that has 14 players flying around on spear-shaped, wooden, household cleaning devices called brooms. Apparently, the magic that gets them to fly does not work if the broom is a bit icy, which is why Hagrid has to defrost them. Here’s an idea for Hogwarts: keep the brooms in a broom cupboard indoors. The brooms won’t get wet unless Hogwarts itself is freezing cold and leaking water.

 

Also if brooms have this weakness, then WHY does the Quidditch season start in November? Seems like it should be a summer sport to me!

 

Also, Hagrid wears a moleskin overcoat, bearskin boots, and rabbit fur gloves. How many moles were killed to make that coat? How many endangered species died because they couldn’t live in a beaver pond? PETA will be very angry! (Personally, I hope he raised his own rabbits and ate the moles served on the beaver tail! Muahahaha!)

 

Did you know that seekers are the smallest and fastest players on a team, and that the most serious accidents seem to happen to them? I can’t imagine why, they are only responsible for scoring 150 points instantly and ending the game!

 

And, people get injured in this game?! Unbelievable! A sport where people can crash into each other at extreme speeds on spears and whack bowling balls at each other should never have injuries or death involved!

 

Hermione conjures up a blue fire for them to stay warm, yet somehow they felt guilty about using magic at their magic school when Snape walked by. Hogwarts sure raises the double standard…

 

Then Snape takes away 5 points from Gryffindor and Harry complains that he invented that rule to punish them. What stops any teacher from inventing rules to punish the other houses and reward their own favored house? Does the point system have to be reviewed by Dumbledore before the points are officially taken away? I somehow doubt that.

 

Also, in a magic school with magic healing measures, Snape can’t seem to find a better method of fixing his leg than bandages.

 

To support Harry at his first Quidditch game, his friends make a big banner that says “Potter for President” on it. I don’t doubt he would make a better president than Clinton or Trump, but he’s not a natural-born citizen of the United States! Oh, you mean president of the UK? The UK has a prime minister, not a president. Furthermore, the best he could ever do is Minister of Magic, or Headmaster of Hogwarts, so this sign makes no sense.

 

When they learned how to fly on brooms, lesson 1 was to shout “UP!” and the broom would go to your hand. That necessary skill is never used again because everyone just picks up their brooms and mount them like a normal person would-um, provided that normal people mount brooms and expect them to fly, that is.

 

During this match, we find out that Lee Jordan, the announcer, is about as unbiased as any media outlet. I have to give him credit though. He doesn’t discuss the “key points of the game” like announcers on ESPN and FOXSports. If you didn’t know, the key points to winning the game are scoring more points than the other team. Why do announcers have to continually discuss these points?!

 

Katie Bell gets hit in the back of the head by a bludger, yet the only bad thing to happen is that she drops the quaffle. I’m pretty sure there should be a concussion, some loss of vision, perhaps a broken cervical vertebra, you know- stuff that happens to you when you get hit in the back of the head by a speeding iron cannonball. And yes, they are made of iron. If it is solid iron, it would weigh 149 pounds, more than enough to kill a person on contact!!

 

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When Harry gets fouled by Marcus Flint, Dean Thomas forgets what country he’s from, and what sport he’s watching, and starts talking about soccer. I’m just surprised Flint didn’t get impaled by a Nimbus 2000.

 

Also, JK Rowling plays up the stereotypes by having Hagrid get Fluffy the three-headed dog from a Greek man, because Cerberus is part of Greek mythology and he’s a three-headed dog too. Racist! Not all deadly three-headed dogs come from Greece!

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