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Nitty Picker and the Sorcerer’s Stone – Ch. 9

We return now to Hogwarts and the Flying Circus. i imagine that flying on a broom would be like riding a bicycle or a unicycle and that you would work your way up to riding a broom, but not at Hogwarts! They throw their toddlers into the deep end and let ’em sink or swim.

I may be too nit picky, but for the life of my I can’t understand why the first thing you would teach in flying lessons is to shout “UP!” at your broomstick to make it go into your hand. Was is really too difficult for the ‘ickle firsties to bend owver and pick up the bwoom?

Also, I don’t understand how a magical broom can malfunction. Malfunctioning is for things that rely on hard science to do things. Brooms don’t care about gravity, so why are these old brooms flying slightly to the left or vibrating when they go to high? An airplane might vibrate if it goes to high or too fast, but that’s because airplanes care about air resistance. Cars may drive slightly to the left, but that’s a problem with steering and alignment. Brooms don’t have alignments!

You all know this part, the kids yell “UP!” and Harry’s broom obeys him. His is one of the few that do, because…..his broom graduated from obedience school? This is the only time anyone ever does this, so learning this trick is *entirely pointless*.

Harry thinks that brooms are like horses and they can tell when you are afraid. Ok, I offer this in reply: BROOMS DON’T HAVE BRAINS!!!!

Then Madam Hooch corrects Malfoy’s grip on the broom and told him he’d been doing it wrong for years. O ho ho! 10 o’clock and two o’clock, boys and girls!

I love Madam Hooch’s teaching method. Teach them to kick off from the ground and fly, but don’t teach them how to come back down. If only they did that for pilots- no trainer in the copilot’s seat, no simulators, just take off and you’ll figure it out.

I’m skipping through this chapter because it was really good. I’ll point out that Malfoy challenges Harry to a duel even though neither of them can do any magic. (So far only Hermione has been able to make a match go all silver and pointy) So what are they thinking of doing? See who can get more emotional and make glass disappear?

Hermione and Ron chemistry!!!: “You! Go back to bed!” said Ron furiously. Awwww isn’t that just love at first conversation? And when she gets locked out of the tower, Ron says: “That’s your problem.” Ron Weasley, Ladies’ Man.

Then they meet Neville outside the common room. Neville says Madam Pomfrey mended his arm in about a minute. I’ll give Madam Pomfrey the benefit of the doubt, but Neville is stupid. He breaks his arm, Harry has a flying fight with Malfoy, gets caught by McGonagall, taken to Quirrell’s class, meets Wood, told he’s the new Seeker, goes to dinner, gets challenged to a duel, goes to the common room, gets ready for bed, waits for everyone to retire to their dormitories, then sneaks back out…. all in one minute? Really, Neville? What were you doing the rest of the time?

Hermione and Rom chemistry!!!: Ron threatens her and Neville: “If either of you get us caught, I’ll never rest until I’ve learned the Curse of the Bogies Quirrell told us about, and use it on you.”

Peeves catches them and…blocks their path? I don’t really know, but Ron tells the ghost to get out of their way and takes a swipe at him. So the thing that has no corporeal form is blocking your way Ron? Is it common for you to smack your head against the air? Neville may not have a concept of time, but at least he has a concept of matter.

This book is great, and it’s only getting better. Ron’s proved himself a moron and Hermione has definitely charmed him with her feminine wiles. Match made in Hogwarts if you ask me! Ship them! Ship them now, before it becomes canon!!!


Nitty Picker and the Sorcerer’s Stone- Ch.8

Harry is at Hogwarts and it’s a-MAY-ZAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! He’s been accepted into the fearsome League of Lions, he’s got his first words of wisdom from Dumbledore (“Blubber!”) and he’s excited to be away from the Dursleys. What happens to our brave hero in this exciting 8th chapter?!

Harry’s first obstacles at Hogwarts are: a lack of engineering degrees, blueprints drawn by Picasso, and living standards that are grossly failing health and safety regulations. Let’s tackle these problems as they arise!

Hogwarts has 142 staircases. The following should be considered Safety Hazard #2:

  • wide, sweeping ones (these staircases have giant brooms that try to knock students off the edge)
  • narrow, rickety ones (because the termites are the closest thing wizards have to carpenters)
  • some that led somewhere different on a Friday (you are still expected to get to classes on time, even if that means jumping to the desired floor)
  • some with a vanishing step halfway up that you had to remember to jump (but halfway down, you’re ok)
  • there were doors that wouldn’t open unless you asked politely (because doors think it’s polite to stand in your way when you need to pee)
  • or tickled them in exactly the right place (because tickling is all you can think of when you have to pee)
  • and doors that weren’t really doors at all, but solid walls just pretending. (don’t expect students to hold in their urine)

Filch catches Harry and Ron trying to open a door that happens to be the entrance to the third-floor corridor. Again, no signs, no warning lights, no caution tape? Let’s sue that Dumbledy-doo.

Harry quickly found out that waving your wand and saying a few funny words is not everything there is to magic. After all, you have to get emotional, want it (this won’t be a rule until the 5th book, but I’m adding it anyway), and pronounce the words correctly so the wand understands.

McGonagall’s first magic trick to the first years is to change her desk into walking bacon and back again. (Remember this moment for Book 7, kids. Making food could save your lives.)

And at the end of class, only Hermione was able to make her match all silver and pointy. I guess she didn’t say the funny words, wave her wand, get emotional, want it, or pronounce the words correctly so her wand could understand. Better luck next time, Hermione!

Snape’s debut performance is more than worthy of mention. “I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death.” If Snape can brew glory, then why isn’t he glorious? If he can bottle fame, then why why whhhyyyyy did he sell it to Jaden Smith and Justin Beiber??!!!!!

These students need to listen to Snape. He can teach them to “stopper death”. I know this is a kids’ book, but bare with me on this one. What if (if, mind you) someone important in this book series will die (I know it’s crazy-talk, but hear me out!) What if Dumbledore or Harry or, I don’t know, Snape were about to die. Snape could have this stuff on hand to save their lives!

Ok, trivia time. I’ll write the questions and you answer them before looking to see the correct answer below.

Q: What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?

A: Benedril

Q: Where would you look if I told you to find me a bezoar?

A: Cybertron. Bezoars are wild robot pigs that will gore you, so be careful.

Q: What is the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?

A: One is a hood worn by monks, the other isn’t.

How did you do? I got 5/5 right.

Safety Hazard #3: Neville had somehow managed to melt Seamus’s cauldron into a twisted blob, and their potion was seeping across the floor, burning holes in peoples shoes and causing boils to grow all over Neville. Any safety committee would demolish Hogwarts for the following:

  1. Not providing personal protective equipment to students.
  2. Not providing fire extinguishers or fire blankets for fire emergencies.
  3. Not providing waste disposal, wash stations, or spill-cleaning equipment.
  4. No downdrafts or fume hoods for vapor protection.
  5. Not providing safety training for students, or educating them on what to do in emergency situations.
  6. Using toxic, corrosive, and carcinogenic chemicals without first informing parents via permission slip.
  7. Using metal equipment to hold highly acidic chemicals instead of glass.

In short, I give Hogwarts an F minus minus for negligence in all safety regulations. This school should be shut down immediately and its faculty imprisoned.

Nitty Picker and the Sorcerer’s Stone: Ch. 7

Ah, yes. The chapter that truly begins the epic 8 book, 7 movie tale of Harry Potter (not sure why JK Rowling felt the need to split the last book into two parts!)

Now, the first thing I want to nitpick is when Professor McGonagall teaches us about the wonderful heritage of Hogwarts: “Each House has its own noble history and each has produced outstanding witches and wizards.” Yeah. Let’s break this down.

Noble history. I understand that Gryffindor and Ravenclaw may have noble histories, but Hufflepuff? Slytherin? Really McGonagall? Since ‘noble history’ is the only history we are ever given about Hufflepuff, I’ll take your word for it. And Slytherin has a noble history? You can fool anyone who hasn’t read the series, but you want to go with that? Ok, let’s put aside our knowledge that Salazar Slytherin was Nazi in his views of magic users, every dark witch and wizard has come from Slytherin, Slytherin built a Chamber of Secrets and filled it with a basilisk that could murder every student, Voldemort and his Death Eaters come from Slytherin, and the Slytherin common room is a dungeon, then yes, Slytherin has a noble history!

Oh and get this: “any rule-breaking will lose House points.” McGonagall’s script has a little asterisk by it that says (SPOILER): unless it is the end of the book and your name happens to be Harry, Ron, Hermione, or Neville. Then rule-breaking will win the House Cup.

The ghosts are also racist. When we first meet them, they are discussing the Peeves problem. “He’s not really even a ghost.” Come on! He’s not a ghost because he isn’t exactly like the rest of you ghosts? Go join Slytherin you reich-toplasms!

And at long last, the answer you have been waiting for: What is Hufflepuff? So Gryffindors are courageous and daring, Ravenclaws are smart, and Slytherins are cunning. Hufflepuffs! You are loyal and unafraid of toil! You can expect work in the field of servitude and Igor-ship.

And by the way, I must snobbishly and angrily wave my finger at anyone who likes Harry Potter. Clearly this author copied the House idea from Divergent!

So the new students are segregated into their various factions to be indoctrinated into a class war that has been since the foundation of the school and will soon erupt once again into a deadly war.

And our first sign that clearly shows us that Dumbledore is gay: “Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!” Yep. That’s cutting edge character development for you. (Oh, what’s that you say? That announcement was completely out of the blue and just a PR move? See? It’s right here in the book.)

Oh, Nick. Nearly Headless Nick. You raise so many questions that will never be answered. Someone tried to behead you, but didn’t do it properly. I’m guessing they used some advanced Ghostbusters weapon to cut through your ghostly neck. Oh, you were part-beheaded in life and your ghost is also part-beaheaded? That doesn’t make any sense. You ghosts can go through walls, how could an axe do anything to your ghost? Also, ghosts need to breathe to “live” because Nick pops his head off, sticks it back on and coughs! Again! Coughing means your throat is irritated by foreign contamination. If ghosts go through walls, then what does Nick has stuck in his throat that requires a cough?!?!!?! And what happens to a ghost if it stops breathing?!! How does Moaning Myrtle spend hours inside the plumbing and not drown? (Sorry, that happens in the next book. We are going through this book as though we have not read it yet.)

Neville explains that his family thought he was “all-Muggle for ages”. (*Squib hasn’t been invented yet… aaand there I go again about a future book.)

Neville’s uncle pushed him off the end of a pier and he nearly drowned. Call child protection services? No? Ok. And I thought the Puritan method of discovering witches was unfounded, but it is an approved method according to this book. If he drowned he wasn’t magical and he would be pardoned, but since he didn’t drown he must be a witch!

When Neville was dropped out of a window and rolled into the road, his family was pleased. I repeat: call child protection services.

Starting small in the Wizarding world is turning a match into a needle. I must ask if a big task is turning a log into a steel beam and what the difference between the two is. It’s wood to iron. Again, JK Rowling hints that size matters!

And hang on a minute! Why do wizards need matches? They have wands that can shoot and endless stream of fire out of them. Making matches is wasteful and harmful to the environment. (Tree Huggers unite against wizards!)

Arbitrary rule #1: no magic should be used between classes in the corridors. In Muggle schools, students are forbidden from practicing math in the hallways. That stuff is dangerous.

Unsafe conditions #1: the third-floor corridor is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a very painful death. Subsequently, all first-years died painful deaths because there were no hazard signs, no safety barriers, no warning lights, no security guards, and no maps to show them where to go. Good one, Hogwarts.

Also, anyone who does wish to die a painful death is allowed to go to the third-floor corridor. Instead of seeking psychological help, Dumbledore advises you to go die. Thanks, Dumbledore.

Dumbledore admits that music is a magic beyond all they do in Hogwarts. For those who wished to join the symphonic band, marching band, or choir we strongly urge you to shut your trap, burn your sheet music, and break your instruments. We will have none of that magic in this School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And now I wonder how any pure bloods know anything about music if it is forbidden.

I almost forgot about the Pink Lady. No she’s not an apple, but she is round. She’s a living thing capable of remembering faces and holding intelligent conversations with the rest of the school, but don’t ask her to remember faces to know which students belong to her House. No, instead make up a word that most students won’t remember. If you can’t remember, expect to be left out in the cold drafty corridors of the castle all night, while the stone drains the heat from your body and the rats chew at your feet. Oh, and since you are out in the hallways past curfew, you will also get detention. Good one, Pink Lady.

Wait. This isn’t the Pink Lady.

Nitty Picker and the Sorcerer’s Stone – Ch. 5

After a month, I’ve renewed my interest in Harry Potter. Seriously, I thought there was supposed to be magic in this story? It’s chapter 5 and Harry’s still alive (despite the previous chapter’s breaking and entering and assault by Hagrid. Three Muggles were exposed to the magical world, a heinous crime indeed! Read more on page A6).


Hagrid gets the mail delivered to him via owl, which I assume is the mail method for all magical folk now. Where do they keep these owls? If the news were to be delivered to all magical folk in Great Britain, that means there would have to be an owlery capable of sustaining thousands of owls! That is a scent that not even magic can mask!


Gringotts may be the most muggle idea the wizarding world has. You put five thousand gold coins in and every year they give you one penny in interest! Just like magic!!!!!


Ok, nitpick: Hagrid flew to the cottage in the sea, but now that he has told Harry about magic and shown Harry magic, he’s not supposed to use magic now that he’s abducted Harry?! Why not?? Wizards are so inconsistent.


Oh, but don’t worry, Hagrid still speeds things up with magic anyway and Harry swears to not tell anyone he used magic…because in this world, wizards have no way of tracking who uses magic! Remember that when Harry goes to court for using magic.


I may be the only one that thinks this, but wizarding folk are utter MORONS! Hagrid doesn’t know how to use “Muggle money” as though the concept of “pay me six pounds” is so foreign when compared to “pay me six galleons”. The money has its name and value stamped right on it! It isn’t hard to figure out. Also, this is a good reason why Hagrid should use magic with Harry around. Hagrid doesn’t understand Muggle money so they should just fly to Gringotts! (Also, 12-foot hairy Hagrid stands out in a crowd right? SO much for not drawing attention to the Wizarding world!)


Oh, I do love the list of required items for school. Let’s have a laugh at this:

“Magical Theory by Adalbert Waffling”. This theory stipulates that magic is directly proportional to wand-waving divided by faux-Latin words. (But there are counter theories and arguments…magic isn’t an exact science!)


And what kinds of names are these? Emeric Switch, Phyllida Spore, Arsenius Jigger, Newt Scamander? You’ll never guess what books they write…. especially Arsenic Jogger…err Arsenius Jigger.


First years aren’t allowed broomsticks, but that doesn’t stop them from bringing mops… assuming Wizards like cleanliness.


Hagrid complains about the lack of magic when they have to walk up a broken escalator. Yes, you read that right. The guy who lives in a castle filled with stairs complains about having to walk up stairs. I suppose if the escalator worked, he’d complain about how the entire staircase didn’t get up and move somewhere else…or have vanishing steps…or lead to deadly 3-headed dogs, but I digress.


Harry wonders to himself: “Could there really be piles of wizard gold buried beneath them?” Harry, you’re in London! Centuries of kings’ wealth and pirating Spanish galleons and colonizing and stripping the world of its wealth is in London. What isn’t buried there?

“Were there really shops that sold spell books and broomsticks?” Yes. Most bookstores (even before your book series) sold something along the lines of spell books. Also, do Muggles not have brooms? Is dust not found in England? I tip my hat to the man that invented “no-dust”.


They get to the entrance of the Leaky Cauldron, a “grubby little pub” that the Muggles pass by without glancing at. Strange indeed. I thought all Londoners spent their days wandering the streets staring at grubby pubs. It’s almost as though the Muggles prefer the ol’ Prancing Pony to grubby pubs named “Leaky”.


Also, the pub is next to a book store and record store. There you go: spell books in one and potions ingredients in the other! Wasn’t Beatles’ juice an ingredient? In the pub, one old woman is smoking a long pipe (insert Wizards’ lung cancer joke here). And the bartender? Why, he looks like a “toothless walnut”. Yes, a toothless walnut. I can’t imagine what a walnut without teeth looks like… [Face palm for lame descriptive imagery].


Then Diagon Alley appears behind the Leaky Cauldron. London’s city planners are the worst ever. After centuries of building and rebuilding, did not a single Muggle think to occupy that windy cobblestone alleyway (I assume it appears as a large gap between buildings on the city lay-out) or build something useful there? “Just record store here, bookstore there, a grubby pub and… By Jove, it’s teatime! Toodle-pip, no time to think about this space here, what what!”


But, now…finally, after nearly 5 1/2 chapters, we get to see some magic!! Cauldrons of all sizes – copper, brass, silver… because when you make potions in them, there won’t ever be a reaction between the metal cauldron and its contents…Self-Stirring…not recommended for those potions that require special attention to how many stirs clockwise, then how many stirs counterclockwise…and Collapsible for all your Neville Longbottomy needs!


“Dragon liver, sixteen sickles and ounce.” Sounds pretty cheap considering the rarity of dragons and the difficulty of harvesting their livers. Or do dragons grow on trees?


And this is what ticks me off. What makes one broomstick better than another? Sure you could make it aerodynamic and polished to reduce drag, reduce the weight like a car, but you can’t add a bigger engine or better fuel to a broomstick…can you?


I lied about Gringotts being like Muggle banks. They don’t do interest, stocks/bonds, or loans. They have a poem: “For those who take, but do not earn, Must pay most dearly in their turn.” So how does Gringotts make money to pay for all the taxes, insurances, and employees? You;re not going to tell me book? Fine. I’ll assume there is no currency in the Wizarding world.


“Griphook unlocked the door. A lot of green smoke came billowing out, and as it cleared, Harry gasped.” ‘Shouldn’ter eating’ that XXL Burrito.’ Mumbled Hagrid apologetically.


Ok, I am wrong again. There is currency in the Wizarding world (how could I have assumed otherwise?) The system is 29 Knuts to 1 Sickle and 17 sickles to 1 Galleon. That’s why Hagrid had so much trouble with the British system of 100 pence is equal to 1 pound.  493 Knuts to the Galleon is so much easier to remember.


Gringotts logic: Only goblins may open vault 713 by stroking the door with his finger. If anyone else tried this, they’d be sucked into a room that is checked once every 10 years. Sounds like a devious trap until you realize that once you get sucked into the vault, you drink the Elixir of Life and wait ten years for the goblins to open the door. Smart… [Claps enthusiastically]


Did you know that only “some” of the Muggle-born students haven’t heard of Hogwarts. According to Draco Malfoy, not me. (PS: I’m sure he’ll be an upstanding citizen and philanthropist like Dr. Doom).


Hagrid compares Quidditch to…soccer!! Ha! This proves that American football is the only football…. also, Hagrid knows what “soccer” is, but doesn’t know anything else about the Muggle world.



Hagrid says, “Everyone says Hufflepuff are a lot o’ duffers…” It’s as though Hagrid saw into the Harry Potter fanbase before the fanbase existed! And JK Rowling didn’t give us anything outstanding about them, so they are duffers in her eyes too.


Hagrid says, ‘There’s not a single witch or wizard who went bad who wasn’t in Slytherin.” I’ll repeat what everyone says: If your school has a house for Hitler Youth types, KKK types, and al-Queda types expect a few rotten eggs to come out of that house. Also, why would you train friggin’ sociopaths how to use magic??!


Now Hagrid explains to Harry that he needs to study before he can use advanced spells like “Jelly-Legs and Hair Loss”. I think Harry knows enough. If he gets angry, he can make glass disappear, talk to snakes, and leap tall buildings. Hair loss is basic arithmetic at this point. And screw studying! Harry doesn’t need to study to do magic, he’s already done plenty! Just slap him on the behind and point him at Voldemort!


But no. He needs a magic wand to perform magic. You can’t do magic without a wand (see previous rant for further details on this BS). Also, Olivander remembers when Harry’s mum bought her first wand. Emphasis on first. Even Harry’s mummy broke her wand (don’t ask how). And (wand) size does matter. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. 11 inches is more powerful than 10 1/4 and 13 1/2 is a “powerful wand, very powerful”. Olivander said so, not me. All those Harry Potter fanfics (you know the ones) make sense, and make me sick. Pervs.


And the wand chooses the wizard, so when Harry’s wand chooses him, was it trollololling? “I choose the kid that my twin almost killed! ROFL!”


And why does Olivander need to measure Harry? It’s a wand! And the wand chooses, not Harry! Or does wand size compensate for something else? (Long wand = short nostril spacing, get your mind out of the gutter).



Tune in next time to FINALLY see Harry go to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!

Nitty Picker and the Sorcerer’s Stone – Ch. 4

We last left Harry and the Dursleys on an island during a fierce storm. Uncle Vernon had previously been window shopping places to dump a body and, upon finding the island, purchased a rifle. Aunt Petunia worries that the power of love might protect Harry from lead, but realizes that his only source of love died years ago and that nobody loves him currently. It is the perfect time to strike! Meanwhile, the wizards have lost track of their hilarious sitcom star of “The Boy Who Lived Under the Stairs” and have sent their nastiest thug to track down his kidnappers (who evidently were chosen by the wizards to be his legal guardians so it really isn’t kidnapping, now is it?) Will Harry survive this encounter with the Hog’s Mob? Will Dudley become the spokesman of “Biggest Loser”? When will the story have any of that promised magic from the back cover? Tune in right now to discover the answer to one of these questions and less!



So Hagrid busts down the door, breaking it off its hinges! I know he’s supposed to be strong, but…how do you generate the force necessary to bend the steel hinges without first shattering the wooden door frame? Also, ten points to Hagrid for both an epic entrance and teaching kids that breaking and entering is OK. Then Hagrid fits the door back into its frame. So…the hinges weren’t broken or even bent in the slightest? Do doors in Britain have steel hinges? Anyone who has ever fit a door into its frame knows that it isn’t as easy as picking the door up. The hinges have a pattern for maximum strength and ease of door-swinging.

Vernon shouts “I demand that you leave at once, sir! You are breaking and entering!” Personally, if I had a rifle in my hands and a freaking giant bust down my door and stomped into my place, terrifying my wife and kid, I’d have shot the giant several times. Lucky for Hagrid, Uncle Vernon has none of that desire to protect the family. What a great dad.

Hagrid, not pleased that Vernon is aiming his gun at the hulking intruder, bends the gun into a knot. (That’s why I buy American. You can’t beat a blue steel beauty with a compass in the stock and a thing that tells time!) Vernon’s response is to make “a sound like a mouse being trodden upon”. Wow, that is dark. Our narrator has firsthand experience stomping on mice. Harry is going to be outlawed by PETA now. First elephant skin, now mice. What is this book coming to???!!!

Hagrid’s title is Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts. Why does Hogwarts need a Keeper of Keys and Grounds? None of the doors need keys, magic can open them just fine. Also, the doors have attitude so they’ll open when they want to open. And I thought Professor Sprout would take care of the grounds! And is Hagrid really saying he takes care of an entire castle and its accompanying grounds, without magic, without modern tools/machines to get the chores done faster? What a terrible job! Most humans can’t manage their own lawn or bedroom. Hagrid’s job will soon be replaced by a single wizard that will “sectumsempra” the lawns to a nice height.

Hagrid starts a fire and pulls squishy sausages out of his pocket…..ewwww!! I hope those sausages are the kind that are cured and preserved and whatnot and don’t require refrigeration or those squishy sausages will end up in this book’s sequel: “Hairy Potty and the Revenge of the Squishy Sausages!”  Or should it be Hairy WC?

Harry asks Hagrid who he is and why he’s there, and Hagrid nonchalantly says, “I’m from Hogwarts, bro! You know all about Hogwarts, right?” To which Harry says, “No.” And Hagrid gets mad at the Dursleys for not telling Harry about Hogwarts. Honestly, I’m with the Dursleys on this bit. As Harry’s legal guardians they don’t have to tell Harry about a place that to their world doesn’t even exist! Why should they tell an impressionable young mind those things? “Hey, you’re a wizard! Hey, you’re gonna go to Hogwarts! You’re gonna learn magic”……..and then it turns out Harry is a squib and never gets his letter and the Dursleys are stuck with a pre-teen whose world has caved in and died before the hormones could make him think that the world was conspiring against him!

Hagrid rants and raves (“this boy knows nothin’ about anything?”) but I’m still not seeing why he’s surprised. The wizarding world has kept a very, very, VERY close eye on Harry. They knew he lived in the cupboard under the stairs, they knew he moved to Dudley’s old room, they knew to send the letters to every location the Dursleys stopped at, but somehow they didn’t know the Dursleys didn’t tell him anything about wizards? Did the wizards run a background check on the Dursleys’ view on wizards or does wizarding adoption services just suck? “Let’s hand Harry over to the people that want nothing to do with wizards, you know, Lily’s sister that has disowned her and never speaks of her EVER. I’m sure they’ll tell him everything about his parents and magic!”

Dumbledore. One of the greatest minds of the wizarding world, if he had one.

Then Hagrid just blurts out, “Harry you’re parents are famous! You’re famous!” As though Harry read Wizarding US Weekly. The only famous baby Harry has ever heard of is the royal baby!

I love Harry’s reaction when Hagrid just says, “Yer a wizard.” Seriously, did Hagrid think that through? Just walk in on some strangers in their home and tell one of the kids that he is a wizard. I think I’ll go try that right now.

Wow those cops are nice! Letting me out of the cell after only two days and three years of mandatory counseling! And that family! They didn’t even press charges! Where was I? Oh yes…

Hagrid explains that Harry is a wizard; “an’ a thumpin’ good’un, I’d say, once yeh’ve been trained up a bit. With a mum an’ dad like yours, what else would yeh be?” Well, he could be a squib, you know, non-magic child born to magical parents?! Also, what does lineage have to do with anything? Hagrid just said that with magical heritage comes great magical power meaning: pure-blood wizarding families SHOULD be powerful magic-users, right? And how does this account for Muggle-borns like Hermione? Non-magic parents have a magic prodigy baby?! And let’s not forget half-breed Tom Riddle, the most powerful dark wizard of all time! Explain, Hagrid! EXPLAIN!

Let’s read Harry’s letter finally:

Albus Dumbledore, Order of Merlin First Class (So he can see everyone’s future but his own, leading to him being seduced by a hot young sorceress and imprisoned forever in a stone coffin hidden from anyone who seeks it), Grand Sorcerer (aren’t sorcerers evil?), Chief Warlock (aren’t warlocks evil?), Supreme Mugwump (isn’t that a Ku Klux Klan leadership position?)

All joking aside, we see that the term begins September 1st and he must send an acceptance owl no later than July 31st. Well, that’s just stupid. Did Dumbledore just assume the Dursleys would have an owl to send? Maybe they weren’t getting any acceptance letters from Harry because the Dursleys didn’t have an owl!! I could just see Harry asking the postman “Are you an owl? Can you send this letter to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry? No I’m not drunk. Why think you would that?” (If you never read the book, Harry does ask Hagrid what they mean by “we await your owl”.)

Here’s a bit for you PETA people: Hagrid pulls an owl out of his coat to send a letter. He might’ve sat on it a bit.

Oh, and he throws the owl out into the storm.

Hagrid calls it “bad luck” that Harry grew up in a family of the biggest Muggles he ever laid eyes on. I call it: Dumb-ledore’s Horrible Awful No-Good Very Bad Moronic Stupid Hair-Brained *&($%#%#@&!!$%^ Plan. And if “family of the biggest Muggles” refers to Dudley’s girth then I’m ok with that. But Petunia is skinny and that’s rude to call a woman fat!

And I absolutely loooove how Petunia tells Harry that his mother would come back from Hogwarts with her pockets full of frog spawn and turning teacups into rats. You know, because the Wizarding world has no rules against using magic in front of Muggles. Lily Evans: law-breaker. Why wasn’t she expelled? In the third and fifth books Harry nearly gets expelled for doing magic (once because he couldn’t control his emotions, and the second because he was attacked by nazgûl), but Lily doesn’t even get a slap on the wrist when she turns teacups into plague-infested rats! FOR FUN!!! (Also, if you ate the rats would that be considered food and against the magic rule of not being able to make food??)

Harry was taught as a child that his parents died in a car crash. Hagrid yells, “How could a car crash kill Lily an’ James Potter?” Sorry, Hagrid. I didn’t know wizards were above the laws of physics and human physiology. Unless the cars involved were barely moving, then I think a car crash could just as easily kill Lily and James Potter as easily as they kill millions of other people.

Hagrid informs Harry about Voldemort and his minions, saying they wanted a bit of his power because he was getting power. Wait. How does one go about “getting power”. I thought power was something you had or you didn’t and it was based on the power your parents had? Did Voldemort transfigure himself into a fetus to be born and reborn by all the most powerful witches? Auugghh gross! I need to clean out my brain!!

Hagrid also explains that Harry’s scar is the result of being touched by a powerful, evil curse. What scar shapes do you get if you’re touched by a powerful, good curse? Rainbow-shape?

Remember how Hagrid said it was bad luck that Harry was raised by the Dursleys? In case you forgot from the first chapter of the book, Hagrid recounts how HE was the one who got Harry from the ruined house and took him to the Dursleys. This guy will put the blame on anyone but himself. He’d make a good politician. And WHY was Harry picked up from the ruined house by Hagrid? I doubt Hagrid was the first person on the scene, so everyone else just saw the crying baby in the wreckage and left him there to die??! You British people of Potter-world are SICK!!!  [Disclaimer: I have nothing against the British, Greak Britain, the United Kingdom, or any of her colonies and territories, past or present. I do have a thing against these people who I assume to be JK Rowling’s sinister view of the people of Great Britain.)

Then Harry wonders why his magical abilities, which are now linked to his emotions, have never kicked in when he was being kicked by Dudley. The answer? Is it: A) Continuity error, B) Just because, C) Plot hole, or D) Author doesn’t care so why should you?

By the way, if magic only happens when Harry is scared or angry, what is the teaching environment like at Hogwarts?! Food for thought.

Vernon attempts to intervene, but Hagrid responds, “If he wants term go, a great Muggle like you won’t stop him.” Legal guardianship? What’s that? Wizards don’t care what your parents or guardians think! If you want to do it, you do it…unless it’s going to Hogshead, then you will need their permission. Thanks narrator for flipping us the bird.

Hogwarts is the finest school of Witchcraft and Wizardry in the world. Given its record for student deaths and dedicating 1/4 of its students to the house of murderers and dark lord recruits, I worry about what the other schools are like. Hogwarts was voted fewest student deaths (at only 18) last year! Compare that with Sheepacne’s close followup of 35 deaths! A school record, mind you. Don’t even get me started on those terrible American wizarding schools! Ugh! Crystal Lake, Sleepy Hollow… I don’t know why the government still funds those schools!

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