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Nitty Picker and the Sorcerer’s Stone- Ch.8

Harry is at Hogwarts and it’s a-MAY-ZAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! He’s been accepted into the fearsome League of Lions, he’s got his first words of wisdom from Dumbledore (“Blubber!”) and he’s excited to be away from the Dursleys. What happens to our brave hero in this exciting 8th chapter?!

Harry’s first obstacles at Hogwarts are: a lack of engineering degrees, blueprints drawn by Picasso, and living standards that are grossly failing health and safety regulations. Let’s tackle these problems as they arise!

Hogwarts has 142 staircases. The following should be considered Safety Hazard #2:

  • wide, sweeping ones (these staircases have giant brooms that try to knock students off the edge)
  • narrow, rickety ones (because the termites are the closest thing wizards have to carpenters)
  • some that led somewhere different on a Friday (you are still expected to get to classes on time, even if that means jumping to the desired floor)
  • some with a vanishing step halfway up that you had to remember to jump (but halfway down, you’re ok)
  • there were doors that wouldn’t open unless you asked politely (because doors think it’s polite to stand in your way when you need to pee)
  • or tickled them in exactly the right place (because tickling is all you can think of when you have to pee)
  • and doors that weren’t really doors at all, but solid walls just pretending. (don’t expect students to hold in their urine)

Filch catches Harry and Ron trying to open a door that happens to be the entrance to the third-floor corridor. Again, no signs, no warning lights, no caution tape? Let’s sue that Dumbledy-doo.

Harry quickly found out that waving your wand and saying a few funny words is not everything there is to magic. After all, you have to get emotional, want it (this won’t be a rule until the 5th book, but I’m adding it anyway), and pronounce the words correctly so the wand understands.

McGonagall’s first magic trick to the first years is to change her desk into walking bacon and back again. (Remember this moment for Book 7, kids. Making food could save your lives.)

And at the end of class, only Hermione was able to make her match all silver and pointy. I guess she didn’t say the funny words, wave her wand, get emotional, want it, or pronounce the words correctly so her wand could understand. Better luck next time, Hermione!

Snape’s debut performance is more than worthy of mention. “I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death.” If Snape can brew glory, then why isn’t he glorious? If he can bottle fame, then why why whhhyyyyy did he sell it to Jaden Smith and Justin Beiber??!!!!!

These students need to listen to Snape. He can teach them to “stopper death”. I know this is a kids’ book, but bare with me on this one. What if (if, mind you) someone important in this book series will die (I know it’s crazy-talk, but hear me out!) What if Dumbledore or Harry or, I don’t know, Snape were about to die. Snape could have this stuff on hand to save their lives!

Ok, trivia time. I’ll write the questions and you answer them before looking to see the correct answer below.

Q: What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?

A: Benedril

Q: Where would you look if I told you to find me a bezoar?

A: Cybertron. Bezoars are wild robot pigs that will gore you, so be careful.

Q: What is the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?

A: One is a hood worn by monks, the other isn’t.

How did you do? I got 5/5 right.

Safety Hazard #3: Neville had somehow managed to melt Seamus’s cauldron into a twisted blob, and their potion was seeping across the floor, burning holes in peoples shoes and causing boils to grow all over Neville. Any safety committee would demolish Hogwarts for the following:

  1. Not providing personal protective equipment to students.
  2. Not providing fire extinguishers or fire blankets for fire emergencies.
  3. Not providing waste disposal, wash stations, or spill-cleaning equipment.
  4. No downdrafts or fume hoods for vapor protection.
  5. Not providing safety training for students, or educating them on what to do in emergency situations.
  6. Using toxic, corrosive, and carcinogenic chemicals without first informing parents via permission slip.
  7. Using metal equipment to hold highly acidic chemicals instead of glass.

In short, I give Hogwarts an F minus minus for negligence in all safety regulations. This school should be shut down immediately and its faculty imprisoned.


Nitty Picker and the Sorcerer’s Stone: Ch. 7

Ah, yes. The chapter that truly begins the epic 8 book, 7 movie tale of Harry Potter (not sure why JK Rowling felt the need to split the last book into two parts!)

Now, the first thing I want to nitpick is when Professor McGonagall teaches us about the wonderful heritage of Hogwarts: “Each House has its own noble history and each has produced outstanding witches and wizards.” Yeah. Let’s break this down.

Noble history. I understand that Gryffindor and Ravenclaw may have noble histories, but Hufflepuff? Slytherin? Really McGonagall? Since ‘noble history’ is the only history we are ever given about Hufflepuff, I’ll take your word for it. And Slytherin has a noble history? You can fool anyone who hasn’t read the series, but you want to go with that? Ok, let’s put aside our knowledge that Salazar Slytherin was Nazi in his views of magic users, every dark witch and wizard has come from Slytherin, Slytherin built a Chamber of Secrets and filled it with a basilisk that could murder every student, Voldemort and his Death Eaters come from Slytherin, and the Slytherin common room is a dungeon, then yes, Slytherin has a noble history!

Oh and get this: “any rule-breaking will lose House points.” McGonagall’s script has a little asterisk by it that says (SPOILER): unless it is the end of the book and your name happens to be Harry, Ron, Hermione, or Neville. Then rule-breaking will win the House Cup.

The ghosts are also racist. When we first meet them, they are discussing the Peeves problem. “He’s not really even a ghost.” Come on! He’s not a ghost because he isn’t exactly like the rest of you ghosts? Go join Slytherin you reich-toplasms!

And at long last, the answer you have been waiting for: What is Hufflepuff? So Gryffindors are courageous and daring, Ravenclaws are smart, and Slytherins are cunning. Hufflepuffs! You are loyal and unafraid of toil! You can expect work in the field of servitude and Igor-ship.

And by the way, I must snobbishly and angrily wave my finger at anyone who likes Harry Potter. Clearly this author copied the House idea from Divergent!

So the new students are segregated into their various factions to be indoctrinated into a class war that has been since the foundation of the school and will soon erupt once again into a deadly war.

And our first sign that clearly shows us that Dumbledore is gay: “Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!” Yep. That’s cutting edge character development for you. (Oh, what’s that you say? That announcement was completely out of the blue and just a PR move? See? It’s right here in the book.)

Oh, Nick. Nearly Headless Nick. You raise so many questions that will never be answered. Someone tried to behead you, but didn’t do it properly. I’m guessing they used some advanced Ghostbusters weapon to cut through your ghostly neck. Oh, you were part-beheaded in life and your ghost is also part-beaheaded? That doesn’t make any sense. You ghosts can go through walls, how could an axe do anything to your ghost? Also, ghosts need to breathe to “live” because Nick pops his head off, sticks it back on and coughs! Again! Coughing means your throat is irritated by foreign contamination. If ghosts go through walls, then what does Nick has stuck in his throat that requires a cough?!?!!?! And what happens to a ghost if it stops breathing?!! How does Moaning Myrtle spend hours inside the plumbing and not drown? (Sorry, that happens in the next book. We are going through this book as though we have not read it yet.)

Neville explains that his family thought he was “all-Muggle for ages”. (*Squib hasn’t been invented yet… aaand there I go again about a future book.)

Neville’s uncle pushed him off the end of a pier and he nearly drowned. Call child protection services? No? Ok. And I thought the Puritan method of discovering witches was unfounded, but it is an approved method according to this book. If he drowned he wasn’t magical and he would be pardoned, but since he didn’t drown he must be a witch!

When Neville was dropped out of a window and rolled into the road, his family was pleased. I repeat: call child protection services.

Starting small in the Wizarding world is turning a match into a needle. I must ask if a big task is turning a log into a steel beam and what the difference between the two is. It’s wood to iron. Again, JK Rowling hints that size matters!

And hang on a minute! Why do wizards need matches? They have wands that can shoot and endless stream of fire out of them. Making matches is wasteful and harmful to the environment. (Tree Huggers unite against wizards!)

Arbitrary rule #1: no magic should be used between classes in the corridors. In Muggle schools, students are forbidden from practicing math in the hallways. That stuff is dangerous.

Unsafe conditions #1: the third-floor corridor is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a very painful death. Subsequently, all first-years died painful deaths because there were no hazard signs, no safety barriers, no warning lights, no security guards, and no maps to show them where to go. Good one, Hogwarts.

Also, anyone who does wish to die a painful death is allowed to go to the third-floor corridor. Instead of seeking psychological help, Dumbledore advises you to go die. Thanks, Dumbledore.

Dumbledore admits that music is a magic beyond all they do in Hogwarts. For those who wished to join the symphonic band, marching band, or choir we strongly urge you to shut your trap, burn your sheet music, and break your instruments. We will have none of that magic in this School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And now I wonder how any pure bloods know anything about music if it is forbidden.

I almost forgot about the Pink Lady. No she’s not an apple, but she is round. She’s a living thing capable of remembering faces and holding intelligent conversations with the rest of the school, but don’t ask her to remember faces to know which students belong to her House. No, instead make up a word that most students won’t remember. If you can’t remember, expect to be left out in the cold drafty corridors of the castle all night, while the stone drains the heat from your body and the rats chew at your feet. Oh, and since you are out in the hallways past curfew, you will also get detention. Good one, Pink Lady.

Wait. This isn’t the Pink Lady.

Nitty Picker and the Sorcerer’s Stone – Ch. 5

After a month, I’ve renewed my interest in Harry Potter. Seriously, I thought there was supposed to be magic in this story? It’s chapter 5 and Harry’s still alive (despite the previous chapter’s breaking and entering and assault by Hagrid. Three Muggles were exposed to the magical world, a heinous crime indeed! Read more on page A6).


Hagrid gets the mail delivered to him via owl, which I assume is the mail method for all magical folk now. Where do they keep these owls? If the news were to be delivered to all magical folk in Great Britain, that means there would have to be an owlery capable of sustaining thousands of owls! That is a scent that not even magic can mask!


Gringotts may be the most muggle idea the wizarding world has. You put five thousand gold coins in and every year they give you one penny in interest! Just like magic!!!!!


Ok, nitpick: Hagrid flew to the cottage in the sea, but now that he has told Harry about magic and shown Harry magic, he’s not supposed to use magic now that he’s abducted Harry?! Why not?? Wizards are so inconsistent.


Oh, but don’t worry, Hagrid still speeds things up with magic anyway and Harry swears to not tell anyone he used magic…because in this world, wizards have no way of tracking who uses magic! Remember that when Harry goes to court for using magic.


I may be the only one that thinks this, but wizarding folk are utter MORONS! Hagrid doesn’t know how to use “Muggle money” as though the concept of “pay me six pounds” is so foreign when compared to “pay me six galleons”. The money has its name and value stamped right on it! It isn’t hard to figure out. Also, this is a good reason why Hagrid should use magic with Harry around. Hagrid doesn’t understand Muggle money so they should just fly to Gringotts! (Also, 12-foot hairy Hagrid stands out in a crowd right? SO much for not drawing attention to the Wizarding world!)


Oh, I do love the list of required items for school. Let’s have a laugh at this:

“Magical Theory by Adalbert Waffling”. This theory stipulates that magic is directly proportional to wand-waving divided by faux-Latin words. (But there are counter theories and arguments…magic isn’t an exact science!)


And what kinds of names are these? Emeric Switch, Phyllida Spore, Arsenius Jigger, Newt Scamander? You’ll never guess what books they write…. especially Arsenic Jogger…err Arsenius Jigger.


First years aren’t allowed broomsticks, but that doesn’t stop them from bringing mops… assuming Wizards like cleanliness.


Hagrid complains about the lack of magic when they have to walk up a broken escalator. Yes, you read that right. The guy who lives in a castle filled with stairs complains about having to walk up stairs. I suppose if the escalator worked, he’d complain about how the entire staircase didn’t get up and move somewhere else…or have vanishing steps…or lead to deadly 3-headed dogs, but I digress.


Harry wonders to himself: “Could there really be piles of wizard gold buried beneath them?” Harry, you’re in London! Centuries of kings’ wealth and pirating Spanish galleons and colonizing and stripping the world of its wealth is in London. What isn’t buried there?

“Were there really shops that sold spell books and broomsticks?” Yes. Most bookstores (even before your book series) sold something along the lines of spell books. Also, do Muggles not have brooms? Is dust not found in England? I tip my hat to the man that invented “no-dust”.


They get to the entrance of the Leaky Cauldron, a “grubby little pub” that the Muggles pass by without glancing at. Strange indeed. I thought all Londoners spent their days wandering the streets staring at grubby pubs. It’s almost as though the Muggles prefer the ol’ Prancing Pony to grubby pubs named “Leaky”.


Also, the pub is next to a book store and record store. There you go: spell books in one and potions ingredients in the other! Wasn’t Beatles’ juice an ingredient? In the pub, one old woman is smoking a long pipe (insert Wizards’ lung cancer joke here). And the bartender? Why, he looks like a “toothless walnut”. Yes, a toothless walnut. I can’t imagine what a walnut without teeth looks like… [Face palm for lame descriptive imagery].


Then Diagon Alley appears behind the Leaky Cauldron. London’s city planners are the worst ever. After centuries of building and rebuilding, did not a single Muggle think to occupy that windy cobblestone alleyway (I assume it appears as a large gap between buildings on the city lay-out) or build something useful there? “Just record store here, bookstore there, a grubby pub and… By Jove, it’s teatime! Toodle-pip, no time to think about this space here, what what!”


But, now…finally, after nearly 5 1/2 chapters, we get to see some magic!! Cauldrons of all sizes – copper, brass, silver… because when you make potions in them, there won’t ever be a reaction between the metal cauldron and its contents…Self-Stirring…not recommended for those potions that require special attention to how many stirs clockwise, then how many stirs counterclockwise…and Collapsible for all your Neville Longbottomy needs!


“Dragon liver, sixteen sickles and ounce.” Sounds pretty cheap considering the rarity of dragons and the difficulty of harvesting their livers. Or do dragons grow on trees?


And this is what ticks me off. What makes one broomstick better than another? Sure you could make it aerodynamic and polished to reduce drag, reduce the weight like a car, but you can’t add a bigger engine or better fuel to a broomstick…can you?


I lied about Gringotts being like Muggle banks. They don’t do interest, stocks/bonds, or loans. They have a poem: “For those who take, but do not earn, Must pay most dearly in their turn.” So how does Gringotts make money to pay for all the taxes, insurances, and employees? You;re not going to tell me book? Fine. I’ll assume there is no currency in the Wizarding world.


“Griphook unlocked the door. A lot of green smoke came billowing out, and as it cleared, Harry gasped.” ‘Shouldn’ter eating’ that XXL Burrito.’ Mumbled Hagrid apologetically.


Ok, I am wrong again. There is currency in the Wizarding world (how could I have assumed otherwise?) The system is 29 Knuts to 1 Sickle and 17 sickles to 1 Galleon. That’s why Hagrid had so much trouble with the British system of 100 pence is equal to 1 pound.  493 Knuts to the Galleon is so much easier to remember.


Gringotts logic: Only goblins may open vault 713 by stroking the door with his finger. If anyone else tried this, they’d be sucked into a room that is checked once every 10 years. Sounds like a devious trap until you realize that once you get sucked into the vault, you drink the Elixir of Life and wait ten years for the goblins to open the door. Smart… [Claps enthusiastically]


Did you know that only “some” of the Muggle-born students haven’t heard of Hogwarts. According to Draco Malfoy, not me. (PS: I’m sure he’ll be an upstanding citizen and philanthropist like Dr. Doom).


Hagrid compares Quidditch to…soccer!! Ha! This proves that American football is the only football…. also, Hagrid knows what “soccer” is, but doesn’t know anything else about the Muggle world.



Hagrid says, “Everyone says Hufflepuff are a lot o’ duffers…” It’s as though Hagrid saw into the Harry Potter fanbase before the fanbase existed! And JK Rowling didn’t give us anything outstanding about them, so they are duffers in her eyes too.


Hagrid says, ‘There’s not a single witch or wizard who went bad who wasn’t in Slytherin.” I’ll repeat what everyone says: If your school has a house for Hitler Youth types, KKK types, and al-Queda types expect a few rotten eggs to come out of that house. Also, why would you train friggin’ sociopaths how to use magic??!


Now Hagrid explains to Harry that he needs to study before he can use advanced spells like “Jelly-Legs and Hair Loss”. I think Harry knows enough. If he gets angry, he can make glass disappear, talk to snakes, and leap tall buildings. Hair loss is basic arithmetic at this point. And screw studying! Harry doesn’t need to study to do magic, he’s already done plenty! Just slap him on the behind and point him at Voldemort!


But no. He needs a magic wand to perform magic. You can’t do magic without a wand (see previous rant for further details on this BS). Also, Olivander remembers when Harry’s mum bought her first wand. Emphasis on first. Even Harry’s mummy broke her wand (don’t ask how). And (wand) size does matter. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. 11 inches is more powerful than 10 1/4 and 13 1/2 is a “powerful wand, very powerful”. Olivander said so, not me. All those Harry Potter fanfics (you know the ones) make sense, and make me sick. Pervs.


And the wand chooses the wizard, so when Harry’s wand chooses him, was it trollololling? “I choose the kid that my twin almost killed! ROFL!”


And why does Olivander need to measure Harry? It’s a wand! And the wand chooses, not Harry! Or does wand size compensate for something else? (Long wand = short nostril spacing, get your mind out of the gutter).



Tune in next time to FINALLY see Harry go to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!

Reimagination Sensation

Many people wonder where the original inspiration for popular books comes from. The truth as many authors will tell you, it that the original idea has been re-written, re-edited, re-envisioned, and sometimes tossed aside completely. You may have read the published and reimagined versions of these classic stories. These were their original working titles and plots pre-reimagining.


Hairy Potter: The story of a caveman that discovers ceramics, which sets him at odds with his aunt and uncle, who believe that his work is nothing more than mud-pies and magic.


The Wheel of Thyme: The epic adventures of a famous chef who dies midway through his ridiculously long cookbook series, but don’t worry, another chef will step up to finish the books.


Poke a Hauntess: The story of a sex predator who friends a vengeful Native American ghost girl on Facebook.


Lorde of the Rings: A young singer and songwriter and her tennis court team endeavor to become royals through glory and gore. The Lorde of the Rings will not stop until it has created one ringtone to rule them all.


The Fault in our Star: An epic space adventure of apocalyptic size where the discovery of tectonic plates on the Sun’s crust and an impending super-massive “sun-quake” threatens to destroy the solar system.


Inheritance Cycle: A Free Rider destroys all the other Free Riders and crowns himself King of all the land. A Young farmer boy discovers a blue stone in the woods and decides he hates poverty and reignites the order of the Free Riders and begins to write himself into the wills of every race he can find, beginning with a prestigious dwarf clan.


The Princess and the Fog: A promising horror novel where an island kingdom is covered in thick fog and the spirits of the dead return to take revenge on the inhabitants for burning their ship. A Princess kisses the fog in an attempt to break the curse and turn it into a prince.


Cider Man: A historical fiction based on Isaac Newton’s years at High School. One day, while visiting a laboratory, a radioactive apple falls on his head, giving him the ability to walk on walls and shoot streams of apple juice from his wrists.


The Red Badger of Courage: King Vortigern must choose what his emblem shall be in the coming war with the Saxons. His wise men tell him that a badger will rally the men better than a dragon would. A young Merlin disagrees. Who will win?


Churrasco Park: A fun barbeque-themed park turns sour when the reanimated food escapes confinement and begins to eat the tourists.

My Top Ten Dragons of Folklore and Fantasy

Nothing in the fantasy world promises more death and terror than the dragon. Legends have painted them in many lights, from the benign to the fire-breathing menaces that we think of when the word dragon is mentioned. In stories they can be both gods and demons, guardians of untold wealth and knowledge. They vary in color and size, and some of them come back from the grave to haunt us, but the broad consensus of dragons is that they are not to be trifled with. Many people survive their reptilian neighbors by sacrificing their virgin daughters to these creatures.

Sadly, fantasy isn’t always kind to dragons. Where hundreds of trained professionals and adventurers have attempted and failed to steal the dragon’s hoard, inexperienced farm boys and apprentices will succeed. So without further ado, I’ll list off the ten dragons that I have enjoyed the most.




#10 Hungarian Horntail

(Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, JK Rowling)


            At the top of my list comes the most dangerous dragon of the Harry Potter series. Remember how I said fantasy isn’t kind to dragons? The Horntail is the prime example. The Horntail is a tough lady with an equally tough attitude. Unfortunately, this poor soul was captured and sent to Hogwarts as part of the Triwizard Tournament, where he was shamed by the 14 year old main character. The dragon looks fantastic on the big screen and would have eaten Harry if it weren’t for that meddling JK Rowling. The movie was the worse depiction of this dragon’s demise, making her crash into a wooden bridge…

The Horntail makes my list because it is one of my favorites to see in action.




#9 Toothless

(How to Train Your Dragon, Dreamworks)


            This little bundle of joy has captured the hearts of countless fans and mine too. Toothless, a Night Fury, is first seen, or rather heard, at night, speeding through the skies and raining explosive balls of blue fire at the Vikings. As the offspring of lightning and death, Toothless forges a loving bond with a human and the two of them have many adventures.

Arguably the fastest dragon on this list, (and the cutest by far!), Toothless and his friend Hiccup (who also happens to be responsible for crippling poor Toothless) destroy Red Death, the super-sized dragon queen, in a one-on-one midair firefight, proving that size doesn’t matter.




#8 Fafnir

(Volsunga Saga, Norse Mythology)


            Fafnir was once the son of the dwarf king Hreidmar, but blinded by greed, he killed his father and stole the cursed gold of Anvari and the ring Andvaranaut. He was then transformed into the legendary dragon that we associate his name with. The huge beast poisoned the land around him, but was ambushed by Sigurd.

Fafnir was a legend that defined the iconic dragon and the dragon’s hoard of treasure. He may have even defined the dragon’s role in fantasy as an extremely dangerous yet rather easily defeated creature. In defense of dragons, Fafnir wasn’t born a dragon, so we can give him some leeway for his failure.




#7 Alduin

(The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, Bethesda Softworks)



       This dragon is the self-proclaimed firstborn son of the dragon-god Akatosh of Tamriel. His very name will make you step back and rethink fighting him: World Eater. While he hasn’t eaten any worlds (to my knowledge), he does command the ability to resurrect dragons to terrorize the world.

He was a terror to Skyrim long ago, but the power of the Elder Scroll transported him through time to be dealt with by later generations. He had a cool plan as a dragon: eat people in real life, then eat them in the afterlife. Kinda sucks to be a snack twice!




#6 Trogdor

(Dragon Email, Strongbad)


            There are few dragons whose birthplace was on the internet. Trogdor the Burninator is King of them all! Trogdor was a man, a dragon man, a dragon with an epic metal theme song. How many dragons can boast that AND a synthesized voice? He was Strongbad’s second attempt at drawing a dragon and received his own holiday named Trogday.

With one beefy arm and constabulate V’s, Trogdor dominated the land of Peasantry and proved to the world that dragons in 2 dimensions are as scary as those of 3.




#5 Saphira

(Inheritance Cycle, Christopher Paolini)


The story of the blue babe of dragons was the first to make me jealous of a main character. Eragon lived out my dreams by becoming a Dragonrider and raising his own dragon from birth. Lucky? I think yes! The bond between rider and dragon would grant the rider physical and mgical abilities that he/she never before possessed.

Saphira is most notable because she becomes the hope of the return of the Dragonriders. No living human had seen a dragon, and Saphira’s bite was worse than her growl, a point she often made clear to her enemies, including rival dragons.




#4 Hydra

(Greek Mythology)


            What’s scarier than a dragon? A two-headed dragon,. What’s scarier than that? How about a dragon that has more heads than the vase-painters can paint? “This monster was so poisonous that she killed men with her breath and excretion. If anyone passed by when she was sleeping, he breathed her tracks and died in the greatest torment.” –Hyginus.

While not a traditional dragon of fire and flight, the Greek hydra is a terror to behold and a close enough relative to the others. Heracles discovered Hydra’s true strength when he cut off its head: two heads grew in its place. Needless to say, Hydra became exponentially more powerful with each beheading.

Hydra’s reign of terror did not stop with its death. Heracles used its extremely deadly blood on his arrows to kill many other monstrous beasts of Greek legend.




#3 Smaug

(The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien)


            Smaug is the iconic dragon of the western world and his actions earned him his own song. He is greedy, he is vain, and he is King under the Mountain. He single handedly burned the entire city of men and dwarves named Dale.

Smaug describes himself as such: “My armour is like tenfold shields, my teeth are swords, my claws spears, the shock of my tail is a thunderbolt, my wings a hurricane, and my breath death!” He is the fantasy world’s epitome of dragons and he won’t be dethroned, even if he has one weak point.




#2 Glaurung

(The Silmarillion, J.R.R. Tolkien)


            Even though this picture is a winged dragon of the First Age, it captures the power that is Glaurung, the first dragon of Middle Earth. While only a century old, he burned the kingdoms of Ard-galen and Dorthonion. While not as famous as Smaug, he is by far the deadlier and was given command of orcs and balrogs to ravage the people of Middle Earth.

He possesses a hypnotic stare to freeze his foes and even in death his blood was a poison to his enemies. He is the Father of Dragons and destroying entire kingdoms as an adolescent earns him the number 2 spot on my list. Plus, balrogs bow to him.




Before I list #1, here are a few favored honorable mentions.














#1 Leviathan

(Judeo-Christian Bible)


            The great leviathan gets number 1 and if you ask why, I’ll let Job chapter 41 explain it to you:

7 Can you fill his hide with harpoons or his head with fishing spears?

8 If you lay a hand on him, you will remember the struggle and never do it again!

9 Any hope of subduing him is false; the mere sight of him is overpowering.

10 No-one is fierce enough to rouse him…

12 I will not fail to speak of his limbs, his strength and his graceful form.

13 Who can strip off his outer coat? Who would approach him with a bridle?

14 Who dares open the doors of his mouth, ringed about with his fearsome teeth?

15 His back has rows of shields tightly sealed together;

16 Each is so close to the next that no air can pass between.

17 They are joined fast to one another; they cling together and cannot be parted.

18 His snorting throws out flashes of light; his eyes are like the rays of dawn.

19 Firebrands stream from his mouth; sparks of fire shoot out.

20 Smoke pours from his nostrils as from a boiling pot over a fire of reeds.

21 His breath sets coals ablaze, and flames dart from his mouth.

22 Strength resides in his neck; dismay goes before him.

23 The folds of his flesh are tightly joined; they are firm and immovable.

24 His chest is hard as rock, hard as a lower millstone.

25 When he rises up, the mighty are terrified; they retreat before his thrashing.

26 The sword that reaches him has no effect, nor does the spear or the dart or the javelin.

27 Iron he treats like straw and bronze like rotten wood.

28 Arrows do not make him flee, sling stones are like chaff to him.

29 A club seems to him but a piece of straw, he laughs at the rattling of the lance.

30 His undersides are jagged potsherds, leaving a trail in the mud like a threshing-sledge.

31 He makes the depths churn like a boiling cauldron and stirs up the sea like a pot of ointment.

32 Behind him he leaves a glistening wake; one would think the deep had white hair.

33 Nothing on earth is his equal—a creature without fear.

34 He looks down on all that are haughty; he is king over all that are proud.



And those are the dragons that I’ve liked the most in fantasy. What dragons do you like and why? Leave a comment below for your favorite dragons! And give a shout out for Oriental dragons because I don’t know anything about them (and I’d love to find some stories about them).




Pictures taken from (in order of appearance): (rubendevela) (D-Wars)

The Reading Raccoon

Great books for great kids.

Legends of Windemere

Enjoy the Adventure


Just another site


Just another site

Samantha The Reader



A writing site


Information on the author and her books.

Falling Toward Mythopoesis

The blog of fantasist Sarah McCabe