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Nitty Picker and the Sorcerer’s Stone – Ch. 9

We return now to Hogwarts and the Flying Circus. i imagine that flying on a broom would be like riding a bicycle or a unicycle and that you would work your way up to riding a broom, but not at Hogwarts! They throw their toddlers into the deep end and let ’em sink or swim.

I may be too nit picky, but for the life of my I can’t understand why the first thing you would teach in flying lessons is to shout “UP!” at your broomstick to make it go into your hand. Was is really too difficult for the ‘ickle firsties to bend owver and pick up the bwoom?

Also, I don’t understand how a magical broom can malfunction. Malfunctioning is for things that rely on hard science to do things. Brooms don’t care about gravity, so why are these old brooms flying slightly to the left or vibrating when they go to high? An airplane might vibrate if it goes to high or too fast, but that’s because airplanes care about air resistance. Cars may drive slightly to the left, but that’s a problem with steering and alignment. Brooms don’t have alignments!

You all know this part, the kids yell “UP!” and Harry’s broom obeys him. His is one of the few that do, because…..his broom graduated from obedience school? This is the only time anyone ever does this, so learning this trick is *entirely pointless*.

Harry thinks that brooms are like horses and they can tell when you are afraid. Ok, I offer this in reply: BROOMS DON’T HAVE BRAINS!!!!

Then Madam Hooch corrects Malfoy’s grip on the broom and told him he’d been doing it wrong for years. O ho ho! 10 o’clock and two o’clock, boys and girls!

I love Madam Hooch’s teaching method. Teach them to kick off from the ground and fly, but don’t teach them how to come back down. If only they did that for pilots- no trainer in the copilot’s seat, no simulators, just take off and you’ll figure it out.

I’m skipping through this chapter because it was really good. I’ll point out that Malfoy challenges Harry to a duel even though neither of them can do any magic. (So far only Hermione has been able to make a match go all silver and pointy) So what are they thinking of doing? See who can get more emotional and make glass disappear?

Hermione and Ron chemistry!!!: “You! Go back to bed!” said Ron furiously. Awwww isn’t that just love at first conversation? And when she gets locked out of the tower, Ron says: “That’s your problem.” Ron Weasley, Ladies’ Man.

Then they meet Neville outside the common room. Neville says Madam Pomfrey mended his arm in about a minute. I’ll give Madam Pomfrey the benefit of the doubt, but Neville is stupid. He breaks his arm, Harry has a flying fight with Malfoy, gets caught by McGonagall, taken to Quirrell’s class, meets Wood, told he’s the new Seeker, goes to dinner, gets challenged to a duel, goes to the common room, gets ready for bed, waits for everyone to retire to their dormitories, then sneaks back out…. all in one minute? Really, Neville? What were you doing the rest of the time?

Hermione and Rom chemistry!!!: Ron threatens her and Neville: “If either of you get us caught, I’ll never rest until I’ve learned the Curse of the Bogies Quirrell told us about, and use it on you.”

Peeves catches them and…blocks their path? I don’t really know, but Ron tells the ghost to get out of their way and takes a swipe at him. So the thing that has no corporeal form is blocking your way Ron? Is it common for you to smack your head against the air? Neville may not have a concept of time, but at least he has a concept of matter.

This book is great, and it’s only getting better. Ron’s proved himself a moron and Hermione has definitely charmed him with her feminine wiles. Match made in Hogwarts if you ask me! Ship them! Ship them now, before it becomes canon!!!


Nitty Picker and the Sorcerer’s Stone- Ch.8

Harry is at Hogwarts and it’s a-MAY-ZAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! He’s been accepted into the fearsome League of Lions, he’s got his first words of wisdom from Dumbledore (“Blubber!”) and he’s excited to be away from the Dursleys. What happens to our brave hero in this exciting 8th chapter?!

Harry’s first obstacles at Hogwarts are: a lack of engineering degrees, blueprints drawn by Picasso, and living standards that are grossly failing health and safety regulations. Let’s tackle these problems as they arise!

Hogwarts has 142 staircases. The following should be considered Safety Hazard #2:

  • wide, sweeping ones (these staircases have giant brooms that try to knock students off the edge)
  • narrow, rickety ones (because the termites are the closest thing wizards have to carpenters)
  • some that led somewhere different on a Friday (you are still expected to get to classes on time, even if that means jumping to the desired floor)
  • some with a vanishing step halfway up that you had to remember to jump (but halfway down, you’re ok)
  • there were doors that wouldn’t open unless you asked politely (because doors think it’s polite to stand in your way when you need to pee)
  • or tickled them in exactly the right place (because tickling is all you can think of when you have to pee)
  • and doors that weren’t really doors at all, but solid walls just pretending. (don’t expect students to hold in their urine)

Filch catches Harry and Ron trying to open a door that happens to be the entrance to the third-floor corridor. Again, no signs, no warning lights, no caution tape? Let’s sue that Dumbledy-doo.

Harry quickly found out that waving your wand and saying a few funny words is not everything there is to magic. After all, you have to get emotional, want it (this won’t be a rule until the 5th book, but I’m adding it anyway), and pronounce the words correctly so the wand understands.

McGonagall’s first magic trick to the first years is to change her desk into walking bacon and back again. (Remember this moment for Book 7, kids. Making food could save your lives.)

And at the end of class, only Hermione was able to make her match all silver and pointy. I guess she didn’t say the funny words, wave her wand, get emotional, want it, or pronounce the words correctly so her wand could understand. Better luck next time, Hermione!

Snape’s debut performance is more than worthy of mention. “I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death.” If Snape can brew glory, then why isn’t he glorious? If he can bottle fame, then why why whhhyyyyy did he sell it to Jaden Smith and Justin Beiber??!!!!!

These students need to listen to Snape. He can teach them to “stopper death”. I know this is a kids’ book, but bare with me on this one. What if (if, mind you) someone important in this book series will die (I know it’s crazy-talk, but hear me out!) What if Dumbledore or Harry or, I don’t know, Snape were about to die. Snape could have this stuff on hand to save their lives!

Ok, trivia time. I’ll write the questions and you answer them before looking to see the correct answer below.

Q: What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?

A: Benedril

Q: Where would you look if I told you to find me a bezoar?

A: Cybertron. Bezoars are wild robot pigs that will gore you, so be careful.

Q: What is the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?

A: One is a hood worn by monks, the other isn’t.

How did you do? I got 5/5 right.

Safety Hazard #3: Neville had somehow managed to melt Seamus’s cauldron into a twisted blob, and their potion was seeping across the floor, burning holes in peoples shoes and causing boils to grow all over Neville. Any safety committee would demolish Hogwarts for the following:

  1. Not providing personal protective equipment to students.
  2. Not providing fire extinguishers or fire blankets for fire emergencies.
  3. Not providing waste disposal, wash stations, or spill-cleaning equipment.
  4. No downdrafts or fume hoods for vapor protection.
  5. Not providing safety training for students, or educating them on what to do in emergency situations.
  6. Using toxic, corrosive, and carcinogenic chemicals without first informing parents via permission slip.
  7. Using metal equipment to hold highly acidic chemicals instead of glass.

In short, I give Hogwarts an F minus minus for negligence in all safety regulations. This school should be shut down immediately and its faculty imprisoned.

Nitty Picker and the Sorcerer’s Stone: Ch. 7

Ah, yes. The chapter that truly begins the epic 8 book, 7 movie tale of Harry Potter (not sure why JK Rowling felt the need to split the last book into two parts!)

Now, the first thing I want to nitpick is when Professor McGonagall teaches us about the wonderful heritage of Hogwarts: “Each House has its own noble history and each has produced outstanding witches and wizards.” Yeah. Let’s break this down.

Noble history. I understand that Gryffindor and Ravenclaw may have noble histories, but Hufflepuff? Slytherin? Really McGonagall? Since ‘noble history’ is the only history we are ever given about Hufflepuff, I’ll take your word for it. And Slytherin has a noble history? You can fool anyone who hasn’t read the series, but you want to go with that? Ok, let’s put aside our knowledge that Salazar Slytherin was Nazi in his views of magic users, every dark witch and wizard has come from Slytherin, Slytherin built a Chamber of Secrets and filled it with a basilisk that could murder every student, Voldemort and his Death Eaters come from Slytherin, and the Slytherin common room is a dungeon, then yes, Slytherin has a noble history!

Oh and get this: “any rule-breaking will lose House points.” McGonagall’s script has a little asterisk by it that says (SPOILER): unless it is the end of the book and your name happens to be Harry, Ron, Hermione, or Neville. Then rule-breaking will win the House Cup.

The ghosts are also racist. When we first meet them, they are discussing the Peeves problem. “He’s not really even a ghost.” Come on! He’s not a ghost because he isn’t exactly like the rest of you ghosts? Go join Slytherin you reich-toplasms!

And at long last, the answer you have been waiting for: What is Hufflepuff? So Gryffindors are courageous and daring, Ravenclaws are smart, and Slytherins are cunning. Hufflepuffs! You are loyal and unafraid of toil! You can expect work in the field of servitude and Igor-ship.

And by the way, I must snobbishly and angrily wave my finger at anyone who likes Harry Potter. Clearly this author copied the House idea from Divergent!

So the new students are segregated into their various factions to be indoctrinated into a class war that has been since the foundation of the school and will soon erupt once again into a deadly war.

And our first sign that clearly shows us that Dumbledore is gay: “Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!” Yep. That’s cutting edge character development for you. (Oh, what’s that you say? That announcement was completely out of the blue and just a PR move? See? It’s right here in the book.)

Oh, Nick. Nearly Headless Nick. You raise so many questions that will never be answered. Someone tried to behead you, but didn’t do it properly. I’m guessing they used some advanced Ghostbusters weapon to cut through your ghostly neck. Oh, you were part-beheaded in life and your ghost is also part-beaheaded? That doesn’t make any sense. You ghosts can go through walls, how could an axe do anything to your ghost? Also, ghosts need to breathe to “live” because Nick pops his head off, sticks it back on and coughs! Again! Coughing means your throat is irritated by foreign contamination. If ghosts go through walls, then what does Nick has stuck in his throat that requires a cough?!?!!?! And what happens to a ghost if it stops breathing?!! How does Moaning Myrtle spend hours inside the plumbing and not drown? (Sorry, that happens in the next book. We are going through this book as though we have not read it yet.)

Neville explains that his family thought he was “all-Muggle for ages”. (*Squib hasn’t been invented yet… aaand there I go again about a future book.)

Neville’s uncle pushed him off the end of a pier and he nearly drowned. Call child protection services? No? Ok. And I thought the Puritan method of discovering witches was unfounded, but it is an approved method according to this book. If he drowned he wasn’t magical and he would be pardoned, but since he didn’t drown he must be a witch!

When Neville was dropped out of a window and rolled into the road, his family was pleased. I repeat: call child protection services.

Starting small in the Wizarding world is turning a match into a needle. I must ask if a big task is turning a log into a steel beam and what the difference between the two is. It’s wood to iron. Again, JK Rowling hints that size matters!

And hang on a minute! Why do wizards need matches? They have wands that can shoot and endless stream of fire out of them. Making matches is wasteful and harmful to the environment. (Tree Huggers unite against wizards!)

Arbitrary rule #1: no magic should be used between classes in the corridors. In Muggle schools, students are forbidden from practicing math in the hallways. That stuff is dangerous.

Unsafe conditions #1: the third-floor corridor is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a very painful death. Subsequently, all first-years died painful deaths because there were no hazard signs, no safety barriers, no warning lights, no security guards, and no maps to show them where to go. Good one, Hogwarts.

Also, anyone who does wish to die a painful death is allowed to go to the third-floor corridor. Instead of seeking psychological help, Dumbledore advises you to go die. Thanks, Dumbledore.

Dumbledore admits that music is a magic beyond all they do in Hogwarts. For those who wished to join the symphonic band, marching band, or choir we strongly urge you to shut your trap, burn your sheet music, and break your instruments. We will have none of that magic in this School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And now I wonder how any pure bloods know anything about music if it is forbidden.

I almost forgot about the Pink Lady. No she’s not an apple, but she is round. She’s a living thing capable of remembering faces and holding intelligent conversations with the rest of the school, but don’t ask her to remember faces to know which students belong to her House. No, instead make up a word that most students won’t remember. If you can’t remember, expect to be left out in the cold drafty corridors of the castle all night, while the stone drains the heat from your body and the rats chew at your feet. Oh, and since you are out in the hallways past curfew, you will also get detention. Good one, Pink Lady.

Wait. This isn’t the Pink Lady.

Nitty Picker and the Sorcerer’s Stone – Ch. 6

Ahh, chapter 6, the first chapter that is interesting. It’s titled: “The Journey from Platform Nine and Three-Quarters”. It could also be called, “The Five Chapter Bore is Over and Now on to the Reason why You Bought This Book–Magic School Time!” or it could be titled: “Wizards Possess an Extreme Lack of Foresight or Care for the Safe Travel of their Young Pupils to School.”

I mean…What exactly was Dumbledore thinking? “Hey Hagrid, go bust into the Muggle household and force the Dursleys to relinquish Harry for the day to buy his school supplies.” “Ok.” “Oh and, make sure you take Harry back to live with the Dursleys afterward as well. They’ve done a wonderful job raising our ward-of-the-state- and doing everything I’ve told them to do in that letter I left for them long ago- I’m sure they will take him to our magic school too! Cheers!”

Then Harry has the good knowledge to procrastinate getting a ride to King’s Cross Station. He asks the day before! Alternate take on this bit: “Hey, Uncle Vernon, can I get a ride to King’s Cross tomorrow?” “Can’t. Car’s broken.” (Or he simply says: NO!) And that’s the end of that rubbish.

Also, Harry asks Vernon to give him a “lift”. And in an odd bit of language failure, Vernon buys him an elevator. Good job, Harry. Even a stuck-up American such as myself knows what a “lift” is in England.

Now I said at the beginning that Wizards lack foresight. Case in point: Harry Potter! He gets to King’s Cross and…wouldn’t you know it there is no Platform 9 3/4! So Harry sits staring at the wall until the train just leaves, never knowing one of its passengers didn’t know how to get to the platform. One would think that there would be a Wizard-employee of King’s Cross that would direct the students to the platform or put up a sign that says “Wizards run at this wall!” Which leads to the second question: How do the other Muggle-borns know what to do??!

But at last we are introduced to the Wizarding family we have all been waiting for! Enter the Weasleys! A family of 9: 2 graduate parents from Hogwarts, 2 graduate sons of Hogwarts, 3 currently attending students of Hogwarts, 1 noob going to Hogwarts, and that one girl. You would think that YEARS of going to Hogwarts would have made this muscle-memory, but nooooooo. Mrs. Weasley just has to ask (loud enough for any Muggles to hear) “What’s the platform number?” This moment is both extremely convenient for Harry, and sets up the dim-wittedness that runs deep in red-haired magical families.

Here’s the sage advice of Mrs. Weasley to Harry on how to get onto the platform: “Don’t stop and don’t be scared you’ll crash into it, that’s very important.” Uum…..What happens if you stop? Do you get sucked into a vortex where nothing moves at all? Does the magic require kinetic energy to function?? And, don’t be scared??! Does the wall smell fear just by looking at you and screams: “Halt! We don’t accept pansies on this platform! Only the courageous may pass! That’s right, Gryffindors only!” (In case you’re wondering, the wall doesn’t sense fear, so Mrs. Weasley was just being a real w*tch to Harry’s psyche.

Now, this book has established how ignorant wizards are of the real world (yeah, I said it), so why do the chocolate frog trading cards mention that Dumbledore likes tenpin bowling? The majority of collectors are scratching their heads wondering what kind of bowl Muggles use and why Muggles put pins in it. I mean, this is hardly newsworthy. Shouldn’t they put “Dumbledore’s gay!” on the back of the chocolate frog? That’s what any other paparazzi group would do.

Don’t get me started on Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans. What numskull thought that was a bright idea? I’ll answer: the same kind of numskull that buys the beans on a regular basis to keep Bertie in business. When I buy some candy, I’d rather not play roulette with it (and yeah I hate boxes of chocolate. Such a waste of good chocolate.) Think about it people! They mean every flavor! You get chocolate, marmalade, and peppermint….but then you can get spinach, liver, menstrual fluid, and sweaty jock strap! wwwwhhhhhyyyyyyy??????????!!!

As they continue on the train, Hermione shows up (a big round of applause for the best person in these books ever!!) Her first appearance endears her to us as she says “it was ever such a surprise when I got my letter!” Such understatement! A letter saying you’re a witch?! What a surprise. Yay. How exciting. I didn’t see this coming. I got a letter saying I’m a witch. I don’t think the English language has a word that can describe the feelings I would feel if I got such a letter.

(I might feel something like this:)

I imagine that’s how any Pottered would be like when they receive their letters to Hogwarts.

Yeah, that’s all for this chapter. Most of it was lacking in nitpick-ability and is the wonderful beginning to a great book series!

BONUS FACT: I bet you don’t know how JK Rowling came up with the names of Malfoy, Goyle, and Crabbe! Malfoy comes from the latin prefix: mal- meaning “bad”. Goyle sounds similar to both “gargoyle” and “skin boil”. Crabbe was originally going to be named Scabbies, but it sounded too similar to Scabbers, so she went with Crabbes instead.

Nitty Picker and the Sorcerer’s Stone – Ch. 5

After a month, I’ve renewed my interest in Harry Potter. Seriously, I thought there was supposed to be magic in this story? It’s chapter 5 and Harry’s still alive (despite the previous chapter’s breaking and entering and assault by Hagrid. Three Muggles were exposed to the magical world, a heinous crime indeed! Read more on page A6).


Hagrid gets the mail delivered to him via owl, which I assume is the mail method for all magical folk now. Where do they keep these owls? If the news were to be delivered to all magical folk in Great Britain, that means there would have to be an owlery capable of sustaining thousands of owls! That is a scent that not even magic can mask!


Gringotts may be the most muggle idea the wizarding world has. You put five thousand gold coins in and every year they give you one penny in interest! Just like magic!!!!!


Ok, nitpick: Hagrid flew to the cottage in the sea, but now that he has told Harry about magic and shown Harry magic, he’s not supposed to use magic now that he’s abducted Harry?! Why not?? Wizards are so inconsistent.


Oh, but don’t worry, Hagrid still speeds things up with magic anyway and Harry swears to not tell anyone he used magic…because in this world, wizards have no way of tracking who uses magic! Remember that when Harry goes to court for using magic.


I may be the only one that thinks this, but wizarding folk are utter MORONS! Hagrid doesn’t know how to use “Muggle money” as though the concept of “pay me six pounds” is so foreign when compared to “pay me six galleons”. The money has its name and value stamped right on it! It isn’t hard to figure out. Also, this is a good reason why Hagrid should use magic with Harry around. Hagrid doesn’t understand Muggle money so they should just fly to Gringotts! (Also, 12-foot hairy Hagrid stands out in a crowd right? SO much for not drawing attention to the Wizarding world!)


Oh, I do love the list of required items for school. Let’s have a laugh at this:

“Magical Theory by Adalbert Waffling”. This theory stipulates that magic is directly proportional to wand-waving divided by faux-Latin words. (But there are counter theories and arguments…magic isn’t an exact science!)


And what kinds of names are these? Emeric Switch, Phyllida Spore, Arsenius Jigger, Newt Scamander? You’ll never guess what books they write…. especially Arsenic Jogger…err Arsenius Jigger.


First years aren’t allowed broomsticks, but that doesn’t stop them from bringing mops… assuming Wizards like cleanliness.


Hagrid complains about the lack of magic when they have to walk up a broken escalator. Yes, you read that right. The guy who lives in a castle filled with stairs complains about having to walk up stairs. I suppose if the escalator worked, he’d complain about how the entire staircase didn’t get up and move somewhere else…or have vanishing steps…or lead to deadly 3-headed dogs, but I digress.


Harry wonders to himself: “Could there really be piles of wizard gold buried beneath them?” Harry, you’re in London! Centuries of kings’ wealth and pirating Spanish galleons and colonizing and stripping the world of its wealth is in London. What isn’t buried there?

“Were there really shops that sold spell books and broomsticks?” Yes. Most bookstores (even before your book series) sold something along the lines of spell books. Also, do Muggles not have brooms? Is dust not found in England? I tip my hat to the man that invented “no-dust”.


They get to the entrance of the Leaky Cauldron, a “grubby little pub” that the Muggles pass by without glancing at. Strange indeed. I thought all Londoners spent their days wandering the streets staring at grubby pubs. It’s almost as though the Muggles prefer the ol’ Prancing Pony to grubby pubs named “Leaky”.


Also, the pub is next to a book store and record store. There you go: spell books in one and potions ingredients in the other! Wasn’t Beatles’ juice an ingredient? In the pub, one old woman is smoking a long pipe (insert Wizards’ lung cancer joke here). And the bartender? Why, he looks like a “toothless walnut”. Yes, a toothless walnut. I can’t imagine what a walnut without teeth looks like… [Face palm for lame descriptive imagery].


Then Diagon Alley appears behind the Leaky Cauldron. London’s city planners are the worst ever. After centuries of building and rebuilding, did not a single Muggle think to occupy that windy cobblestone alleyway (I assume it appears as a large gap between buildings on the city lay-out) or build something useful there? “Just record store here, bookstore there, a grubby pub and… By Jove, it’s teatime! Toodle-pip, no time to think about this space here, what what!”


But, now…finally, after nearly 5 1/2 chapters, we get to see some magic!! Cauldrons of all sizes – copper, brass, silver… because when you make potions in them, there won’t ever be a reaction between the metal cauldron and its contents…Self-Stirring…not recommended for those potions that require special attention to how many stirs clockwise, then how many stirs counterclockwise…and Collapsible for all your Neville Longbottomy needs!


“Dragon liver, sixteen sickles and ounce.” Sounds pretty cheap considering the rarity of dragons and the difficulty of harvesting their livers. Or do dragons grow on trees?


And this is what ticks me off. What makes one broomstick better than another? Sure you could make it aerodynamic and polished to reduce drag, reduce the weight like a car, but you can’t add a bigger engine or better fuel to a broomstick…can you?


I lied about Gringotts being like Muggle banks. They don’t do interest, stocks/bonds, or loans. They have a poem: “For those who take, but do not earn, Must pay most dearly in their turn.” So how does Gringotts make money to pay for all the taxes, insurances, and employees? You;re not going to tell me book? Fine. I’ll assume there is no currency in the Wizarding world.


“Griphook unlocked the door. A lot of green smoke came billowing out, and as it cleared, Harry gasped.” ‘Shouldn’ter eating’ that XXL Burrito.’ Mumbled Hagrid apologetically.


Ok, I am wrong again. There is currency in the Wizarding world (how could I have assumed otherwise?) The system is 29 Knuts to 1 Sickle and 17 sickles to 1 Galleon. That’s why Hagrid had so much trouble with the British system of 100 pence is equal to 1 pound.  493 Knuts to the Galleon is so much easier to remember.


Gringotts logic: Only goblins may open vault 713 by stroking the door with his finger. If anyone else tried this, they’d be sucked into a room that is checked once every 10 years. Sounds like a devious trap until you realize that once you get sucked into the vault, you drink the Elixir of Life and wait ten years for the goblins to open the door. Smart… [Claps enthusiastically]


Did you know that only “some” of the Muggle-born students haven’t heard of Hogwarts. According to Draco Malfoy, not me. (PS: I’m sure he’ll be an upstanding citizen and philanthropist like Dr. Doom).


Hagrid compares Quidditch to…soccer!! Ha! This proves that American football is the only football…. also, Hagrid knows what “soccer” is, but doesn’t know anything else about the Muggle world.



Hagrid says, “Everyone says Hufflepuff are a lot o’ duffers…” It’s as though Hagrid saw into the Harry Potter fanbase before the fanbase existed! And JK Rowling didn’t give us anything outstanding about them, so they are duffers in her eyes too.


Hagrid says, ‘There’s not a single witch or wizard who went bad who wasn’t in Slytherin.” I’ll repeat what everyone says: If your school has a house for Hitler Youth types, KKK types, and al-Queda types expect a few rotten eggs to come out of that house. Also, why would you train friggin’ sociopaths how to use magic??!


Now Hagrid explains to Harry that he needs to study before he can use advanced spells like “Jelly-Legs and Hair Loss”. I think Harry knows enough. If he gets angry, he can make glass disappear, talk to snakes, and leap tall buildings. Hair loss is basic arithmetic at this point. And screw studying! Harry doesn’t need to study to do magic, he’s already done plenty! Just slap him on the behind and point him at Voldemort!


But no. He needs a magic wand to perform magic. You can’t do magic without a wand (see previous rant for further details on this BS). Also, Olivander remembers when Harry’s mum bought her first wand. Emphasis on first. Even Harry’s mummy broke her wand (don’t ask how). And (wand) size does matter. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. 11 inches is more powerful than 10 1/4 and 13 1/2 is a “powerful wand, very powerful”. Olivander said so, not me. All those Harry Potter fanfics (you know the ones) make sense, and make me sick. Pervs.


And the wand chooses the wizard, so when Harry’s wand chooses him, was it trollololling? “I choose the kid that my twin almost killed! ROFL!”


And why does Olivander need to measure Harry? It’s a wand! And the wand chooses, not Harry! Or does wand size compensate for something else? (Long wand = short nostril spacing, get your mind out of the gutter).



Tune in next time to FINALLY see Harry go to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!

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